I had to comment…
I was intrigued by the term “uncoupling” when Gwyneth Paltrow announced her separation from Chris Martin.
Truthfully I hadn’t heard a peep from that word since my Shakespearian studies at school.
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Gwyneth has managed to spin the term and express what, in any language, could only be seen as a sad and unhappy time for all involved.
What interested me on her site…was not so much that she is splitting from her husband… because whether they are coupling or not… or whether both are conscious… fully or half is their business… but the article included underneath her marital broadcast…. I found it thought provoking.
Dr Habib Sadhegi and Dr Sherry Sami write about ‘conscious uncoupling’ …
“To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone. In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other by thinking of their relationship in terms of daily renewal instead of a lifetime investment. This is probably the reason why so many people say their long-term relationships changed overnight, once they got married. The people didn’t change, but the expectation did.”
They are suggesting that we need to learn new ways of living in relationships…
That our extended life expectancy makes it almost impossible to survive with one partner alone.
They argue that the high divorce rates… 50% of all marriages apparently end in divorce… are due to an inability to adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy… that our biology and our psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four or five decades…
If we do manage to make it through with one partner… we are the exception, not the rule.
The way we are programmed makes us believe and feel that anything less than that is failure… “the until death do us part” is well and truly ingrained in our brains.
It is these thoughts that require re-thinking and re-forming according to Sadhegi and Sami.
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What do you think?
Should our relationship expectations be managed day by day? I agree we need to work on our relationship daily but to diminish future expectations as unlikely would seem to me to be a little defeatist.
I am old fashioned.
I have been married for a very long time to the same person. Some of that is chance and good luck but the lion’s share of our success comes from hard work, mutual respect and understanding. Long may it continue but I take nothing for granted… a solid and happy relationship is a gift and should never be abused.
I am concerned that if we enter relationships with little expectation for a long term future we will be done before we start.
I am not saying that all relationships must last forever, that is naive and foolish… some are doomed through incompatibility and bad choice. There is no crime in that… staying in a bad marriage is much worse than having the courage to call it quits and re-build a life. I support, applaud and admire those who do.
I don’t believe that divorce means failure but equally I believe we should fight till the death if there is something worth saving.
Knowing when a marriage is beyond resuscitation requires great wisdom… and how one gains that inner knowledge and knows when enough is enough… I don’t know… it must be excruciating.
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The questions that spring to my mind…
Are human beings really that different today… even if we are living longer?
Do we still unconsciously search for that one soul mate and special someone to share our lives with?
Or do we calculate the need for multiple partners early on in life and manage those assumptions?
I’m thinking that ultimately the heart wants what the heart wants… that our emotions will continue to drive our relationships… good and bad… and whether they last the distance or not won’t change our expectations.
Deep down… don’t we all want love to last… xv
read the full article here